Looking Back....

 
...and cringing. Have you ever looked back on anything that you've done (pictures, videos, writing, etc.) and just cringed? Did you wish you could delete it from the world and the minds of everyone that saw it?

Do you feel like if only you had done something better, been smart enough to not make that mistake, thought before acting, you wouldn't be cringing at yourself? Maybe if you had thought through your decisions when you were seven, or seventeen, or twenty-seven things would be different.

But it's not only things from years ago. You could look back at a paper you wrote two days ago and want to kick yourself. You could post a picture to the internet and then race to take it down a week later. You could scour the thrift shop for that shirt you got rid of yesterday and then realized you actually wanted.

So why does this happen? Why do we second guess ourselves on things we've already done? Maybe that's not you though. Maybe you don't look back and wince at pictures of you when you were younger or hide stories you've written deep in the depths of your largest binder.

I may not be speaking for all imperfect perfectionists here, but I definitely do not like looking back at things I've done. There's just so much error and imperfection. It makes me want to crawl under the covers and not come out until no one can recognize me any more.

I was wondering why I look back and don't like what I see. Why it doesn't meet my standards now when it did at that time. And while i was talking with a friend about it, I think she gave me the answer.

It's because I've grown.

I am no longer a third grader writing a story for school. I'm an eighth grader trying to complete full manuscripts. I've learned since then. I now know more grammar, spelling, vocabulary. I can do more than I could before.

My best five years ago is nothing to cringe at. It's there to show me just how much I've matured. I would have no idea how much I've learned about writing if I hadn't written that story in the third grade. I might even assume I had not got any better at all. So maybe, the stuff we see as young and naive and embarrassing can actually be a blessing in disguise. Maybe it's God showing us just how much He has been working in us over a period of time.

There's a song by Brandon Heath called I'm Not Who I Was. At one point it says:

I found us in a photograph.

I saw me, and I had to laugh,

because I'm not who I was.

He looked back and laughed. How much better must he feel about who he is now because he can see who he used to be?

I know it's fifteen days after New Year's, but I also know that while some are making goals for 2015 and planning out how they're going to make their lives better this year (something I don't agree with, by the way. But that's a different post), maybe we should take some time to look back. Maybe we should take some time to praise God for how much He has helped us grow over the last year.

I certainly know He was working in my life in 2014. Last year, I was living in a different town. My Grandpa had just died. I was struggling to juggle school, babysitting, mime, and sports. I have definitely changed this year and I know it wasn't my doing.

Honestly though, when you think about it, where would I be if God hadn't been working? Where would any of us be if we didn't have God guiding us and working our seemingly totally messed up lives to His glory? 

It's just so good to know that God's going to keep working on me and never give up. He will always be there, even when I sure don't think I'm worth it. Even when I feel like I've messed up everything I've ever done and cringe at all my work. He'll be there. I know I can count on it.

-Kira