Copy Cat

They say imitation is the highest form of flattery. That the person who is annoying you to no end by copying your every action is doing so because he admires you. It's true and it's a really great thing to remember when you find yourself getting irritated by people doing said imitating.

But what about the flip side? What if you're the one doing the imitating?

When I find myself trying to copy or follow someone, I have to start asking questions. For example:

Who do you want to imitate?
Usually friends.

In what do you want to copy them?
All sorts of things - relationships with siblings, when they do their math, what shoes they wear, etc.

Why do you want to do what they do?

Now this is the tricky one. Why exactly do I want to follow in their footsteps? It's often because I admire them and I want other people to admire me too. But the Bible says there's a problem with that. I wasn't made to fit into someone else's blueprint - to take the same classes, listen to the same music, or have the same job. I was made to be special and unique.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.
Genesis 1:27

I was made in the image of God. You were too. Neither of us were created to mold ourselves into someone else's image - we were given one at the very beginning.

The Creator Who made us to be like Him knows us so intimately and loves us so deeply that it shouldn't matter what people around us think or if we match what they do. He doesn't want us to try to be a carbon copy of another one of His creatures - He wants us to be ourselves.

Next time you catch yourself trying to copy someone else, think about why you're doing it. Is it because you genuinely want/need to do it or maybe because you want to be a miniature of them? You don't need to be someone's clone. Your Creator made you just as He intended.

-Kira

Book Review: Crazy Love

There's nothing quite like a book that makes you take a good hard look at yourself. Crazy Love is one of those books.

I mentioned Crazy Love a few weeks ago in a different post before I had finished reading it. Now that I'm done, I had to review it because I absolutely loved it.

Francis Chan's Crazy Love is about how incredibly out of this world God's love for us is. It comes through in His every action - from salvation to the creation of caterpillars. Our sin left us with no claim to His love, but He poured it over us anyway. By the bucket full. When we stop and actually try to fathom for a moment the depth of this love, we are left with no other reaction than to pour out our lives in service to Christ.

We have no reason to fear death, no reason to conform to this world, no reason to worry or stress or be caught up with ourselves. This life is about God, even though we're the ones living it. Chan makes that incredibly clear in his book.

Crazy Love is not overly eloquent or complicated. While I usually enjoy finer language in a book, Chan made his point simple and I appreciate that in this case. Rather than detracting from the book, the simplicity of the writing allowed me to focus on the message and how it applies to me.

It took me awhile to reach the point spiritually where I can see the benefit of conviction when I first feel it, rather than wanting to run in the other direction, toward complacency. It has led to a deeper appreciation of books like Crazy Love and how God uses them in my life. Francis Chan is not shy about saying that the church as a whole is not following God completely. But he doesn't just leave it there. In "A Conversation With Francis Chan" at the end of the book, Chan stresses that he's not attacking the church. Rather, he loves the church and wants to urge her to follow Christ's calling.

"I'm not coming up with anything new. I'm calling people to go back to the way it was. I'm not bashing the church. I'm loving it." (Crazy Love, pg 180)

Over all, Crazy Love was a convicting and, more importantly, encouraging read. It has led me to examine my own life and walk with God and to spend more time focusing on Him.

-Kira

You can find Francis Chan on his blog: crazylove.org

And his Crazy Love website: crazylovebook.com

On Death

So I've been reading a lot about death the last couple days. Not intentionally. It's just happened to come up in a couple books I'm working through this week.

This has resulted in my thinking about death. And the time before death. And how that time should be spent. You know, now that I think about it, this reminds me of one of my semi-recent posts: Borrowed Time.

Anyway, back to today. Let me start by giving you a sampling of what I've been reading and then tell you what's running through my very scattered brain.

The first book is Meditations by the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius. No, I didn't just pick it up because the cover looks cool - it's for school. To be honest though, I don't totally dread reading it. Aurelius isn't all that boring.

Meditations is a book of personal thoughts, resolutions, and observations of the world from the worldview of a Stoic philosopher/emperor shortly after the time of Jesus. Aurelius' goal was to live a virtuous and moral life. Here are his thoughts on death:

Death: something like birth, a natural mystery, elements that split and recombine.

Not an embarrassing thing. Not an offense to reason, or our nature.
(Meditations, Book 4)

People who are excited by posthumous fame forget that the people who remember them will soon die too. And those after them in turn. Until their memory, passed from one to another like a candle flame, gutters and goes out.

But suppose that those who remembered you were immortal and your memory undying. What good would it do you? And I don't just mean when you're dead, but in your own lifetime. What use is praise, except to make your lifestyle a little more comfortable?
(Meditations, Book 4)

Those two excerpts basically cover Aurelius' views on death as told in his Meditations. According to him, death is not something to be feared and there is absolutely no use in trying to get people to remember you and your fame.

The second book I've been reading this week that brought up the subject of death when I least expected it is Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I'm not very far into it yet, but his perspective on death and "posthumous fame" still gave me pause.

In about fifty years (give or take a couple of decades), no one will remember you. Everyone you know will be dead. Certainly no one will care what job you had, what car you drove, what school you attended, or what clothes you wore. This can be terrifying or reassuring, or maybe a mix of both.
(Crazy Love, ch 2)

That's pretty straightforward. The chapter containing these sentences is about how everything and every time is about God - including the miniscule piece of eternity that our lives occupy.

Reading these books at the same time has left me thinking a lot about death, as I mentioned before. But it hasn't been depressing. In fact, the result of all my meditation on death has been that I've been thinking about life a lot. Particularly my life. It may be an easy question, but who is my life supposed to glorify?

Now, Aurelius was not a Christian. In fact, even though his book is full of virtues and morals, he heavily persecuted the Christians. It was a crime not to worship Caesar and guess who the Christians didn't worship? His answer is that your life isn't really meant to glorify anyone. You go about your business, try to do the right things, and eventually die.

Francis Chan on the other hand is a pastor. He is so passionate about his faith. So his answer is that our lives are supposed to glorify God - even though they are incredibly short in light of eternity. He uses the illustration of all of us being extras in a movie about God to make his point.

We have only our two-fifths-of-a-second-long scene to live. I don't know about you, but I want my two-fifths of a second to be about my making much of God. First Corinthians 10:31 says, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." That is what each of our two-fifths of a second is about.
(Crazy Love, ch 2)

Question: Who is my life supposed to glorify?
Answer: God.

Harder Question: Who does my life glorify?
Harder Answer: Usually me.

It's not natural to instantly give God the glory or to act in every little thing in a way that honors Him. But that's what we've got to strive to do. God is too great and wonderful for us to make this about us! Even Aurelius realized that fame and glory don't actually do us any good. So if they're not going to help us out anyway, we may as well make our lives about God, right?

But that's not how it's supposed to work either. We don't just glorify God because our glory won't last. Our lives should be lived as a response to everything He's done for us. For me, that includes salvation, putting me in the beautiful mountains of Virginia, piecing together my family so that I understand His picture of adoption, letting me be homeschooled, and tons and tons of other stuff. What does it mean for you?

When I think about all the stuff God has given me in my life that I don't deserve, it makes me want to live for Him. Yes, I still mess up. All. The. Time. But His grace means I can try again. I don't have to stay down.

I'm going to leave you with a quote from Francis Chan, because he said it well.

The point of your life is to point to Him. Whatever you are doing, God wants to be glorified, because this whole thing is His. It is His movie, His world, His gift.
(Crazy Love, ch 2)

-Kira

I Am Weak

I am weak and I don't like it.

There are many ways to use that word: weak. You can have a weakness for some kind of food or novel. You can be weak physically or mentally. You can be weak in your ability to change or fix something.

Today, I particularly mean that last one.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a personal narrative essay for school. My topic (after much agonizing) was sleep.

Maybe you know, maybe you don't know, but I have trouble sleeping. It hasn't always been a problem. As a kid, I thought sleep was a waste of time that could be better spent reading or playing or writing or talking. If I got tired, I knew it wasn't more than a few hours until bed and then I'd be fine the next day.

At the beginning of the summer a couple years ago (2015), that changed. I started going to bed and just not sleeping. Nothing was wrong. I just couldn't quite get to sleep. That's continued to be the case in varying degrees of intensity over the past almost two years.

It's made me weak.

Even now, as I type, I'm having trouble making myself put down these words. Because it's still hard for me; it's still a painful struggle - and one that I feel I'm losing.

When I don't sleep enough one night, I'm irritable and tired the next day. When I don't sleep enough for a week, that intensifies. The littlest thing can (and will) make me mad and a single math problem can become a whole afternoon's frustration. And I cry. I hate to cry, but there's nothing I can do to stop myself when I haven't slept and the tears begin. Absolutely nothing - I have no control.

And that's part of what makes me feel weak.

It's not just the crying and trouble thinking straight and copious amounts of daily caffeine though. I also feel weak because no matter what we've tried to do to fix this problem, it's still there. You name it, I've tried it. Homeopathics, eating and bedtime routines, medications, vitamins. I even got my own room in the hopes that it would help. But nothing does. Not for long, at least.

This is a continual frustration. It doesn't only affect me at night, when I'm staring into the blackness for yet another hour. It also hurts me during the day when I can't focus and think long enough to finish a reading assignment for school.

As a perfectionist, I like to have things in my control. I don't have this in my control. I've been trying to get rid of the perfectionism for a while now, but this one thing I want to have for myself.

I've prayed (rather angrily) that God would take away the sleeplessness, asking Him why He would do this to me. It doesn't seem fair. Such a simple thing permeates the rest of my life and makes easy things hard.

Lately, I've seen the suffering around me. My friends have their own struggles and so does my family. I'm not the only one who has to live with something over which they have no power. And I think we're kind of meant to be that way.

In a sermon on John 11 (if I remember correctly), our pastor said one thing that really stood out.

Trials are good, because when we are weak, the only place we can go is closer to God.

That brings to mind verses like Jeremiah 29:11 and Philippians 4:6-7. God knows what He's doing with my life, weakness included. Even Paul had a "thorn in his side" that God wouldn't take away. Suffering is part of sanctification.

I think realizing that helps. I still want the suffering and weakness gone - I want to be able to sleep at night. But somehow, this is good for me. He knows what He's doing even when I can't do anything.

-Kira

Take Care of Yourself

Everyone has a lot going on in their lives. Teenagers, adults, parents, everyone. Often, busyness means sacrificing something in order to make it all fit. It's only natural: there's too much to fit into a day, so you pick something to forgo. I am all for taking out the unnecessary things - it's something I need to work on and grow in myself. But today, I want to ask you to not get rid of taking care of yourself.

In the middle of all the things we have going on, there are a lot of obligations: to school, jobs, friends, sports, family, etc. So, when making room for all these things, it's easy to choose (whether on purpose or not) to stop caring for yourself properly.

A lot of times, this sounds selfish to me. I'm not supposed to be focused on taking care of me, myself, and I, right? There are other people around me and they're supposed to receive my love and attention.

And yes, that's true. Jesus tells us to love one another - it's how the world will know who we are. But now I want to ask you, can you really love your friends, family, coworkers, and that random person in Kroger to the best of your ability when you're tired and burned out?

The answer is no.

Taking good care of yourself isn't just something that's responsible and will make your mom happy when you go to college. It helps you to show God's unconditional love to the people around you. Plus, the people closest to you can usually tell when you're not doing a very good job of it.

There are a few major areas that each of us needs to focus on in ourselves before we can properly pour into other people:

Spiritual

Please please please do your devotions! As a sinner with ideas of my own, I skip mine way too much. But when I spend time with God in the morning, that's a peaceful time that starts my day off right. And not everyone's devotion time has to look the same. You don't have to spend exactly thirty minutes reading, twenty two praying, and ten and a half singing worship songs. I usually read a chapter or a section in the book I'm going through (Psalms right now) and then write a prayer in a journal a lovely friend gave me. It doesn't take very long, so please spend time with God. He cares about you and wants you to love others in a strong way that can only be done by His love flowing through you.

Physical

Everyone knows that if you eat the right things and get some good exercise, you'll feel better. So just do it. I'll admit, discipline is hard for me in this area. I like stay up late reading or watching a movie and then get up early to get started on things. So, yeah, add good sleep to the list of things to make sure you get. We all know that we feel a lot better and can focus on other people more when we're not tired, eating right, and getting a little bit of exercise. I know it might be hard to do all these things, but it's worth it.

Mentally/Emotionally

This one's pretty simple. Stay home and read a book. Take a nap. Watch a movie. Go for a walk. Make cookies. Do something you really like to do. But do it by yourself. Let yourself not be at all concerned with what anyone's going to think. Maybe even skip a party or social event if you don't have time for this one. I'm not telling you to have no social life - that's important too. But make sure you get some alone time every once in a while.

I am not saying these things in order to be presumptuous or look like I've got it all together myself. I'm doing it because I know what it's like to not take care of myself in these ways and I've seen my friends struggle with the same things. It's not good and won't get you anywhere you want to go. So today, I ask you again to please take the time to take care of yourself. It's not selfish and it's definitely worth the effort.

-Kira

"Even the sparrow..."

There are a lot of things in this life that make me anxious or nervous. Like going to math class the first time. Or performing or speaking in front of people. Or, most recently, going to a job interview. I am a generally anxious person. I'm always thinking about what could go wrong and what will happen if said thing goes wrong and can it ever be fixed or will my life be ruined forever.

A couple years ago I found a verse that has since been my favorite.

The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:5b-7

I'm not supposed to be anxious about anything. Anything at all. That covers everything from going to the dentist to my little sister going to live with someone else. Anything.

Since I found that verse, I'm still anxious a lot. But I repeat it over and over in my head. I thought it would take away all worry if I said it enough times. That I would eventually just never be anxious about anything at all. That's not quite how it's worked so far.

Recently, I had my first ever job interview. As you can probably guess, I was nervous - which also means talking a lot. I said this verse to myself and it certainly didn't take away the nervousness. But it did do something else. I realized that even though I was still anxious about this interview, I wasn't anxious deep down. That probably doesn't make much sense, so let me explain.

It used to be that I was nervous and scared all the way to my core when something new was coming up. But now, when I remember that God has control, I'm only nervous on the surface. Because it is scary to do something new and unknown. It's uncomfortable to step outside your comfort zone. But I'm not nervous on a deeper level. Now, I don't have to dwell on that worry for the weeks leading up to the big day. I can think about other things because I know that whatever happens, God's still going to be sovereign and the world's still going to be spinning at the end of the day. And if it's not, I know where I'll be. :)

Be still and know that I am God.

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth!

The Lord of hosts is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress.

-Psalm 46:10-11

I can be still because God will be exalted no matter what.

In Matthew 10, Jesus talks about how we compare to sparrows in the sight of God. If He keeps track of and takes care of them, how much more will He take care of us? Some of us on the mime team (for an explanation, see the "About Me" page) have been given the assignment of creating a mime for part of our testimony. The song I chose is, coincidentally, Sparrows by Jason Gray. You should definitely listen to it, but it starts with the words:

You can't add a single day,

by worrying.

You'll worry your life away.

And the chorus adds:

Oh, even the sparrow

knows He holds tomorrow.

If even a tiny little bird can trust God to take care of him, then I have no reason to doubt that He can take care of me.

-Kira

"Then I will go to the altar of God..."

Have you ever stopped to think about how awesome (as in, awe-inspiring) prayer is? It is the way that we, as simple, ant-like human beings can speak directly to the Creator of the universe and Sustainer of all life. Any time we want.

I've been reading Psalm 43 lately in my devotions. I can't quite get past it. The verses that make me just stop and stare at my Bible over and over again are verses 3-4.

Send out your light and truth;

let them lead me;

let them bring me to your holy hill

and to your dwelling!

Then I will go to the altar of God,

to God my exceeding joy,

and I will praise you with the lyre,

O God, my God.

"Send out your light and truth." That reminds me of another verse. "Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.'" (John 14:6) I read an essay for school that pointed out that there's no specific group of Pslams that are the "Messianic Psalms." All of the Psalms are Messianic. God sent out His light and truth in Jesus.

"Let them lead me." I love this part of the verse. Jesus will lead me. I can make my life His and He will take the lead.

But my favorite bit is in verse 4. "Then I will go to the altar of God." Because Jesus came and He leads me, I can pray freely to God. In the Old Testament, that wasn't okay. No regular old person could just go around talking to God all the time. But now, in the New Covenant, we're not only allowed to approach our Father, but encouraged and commanded to.

The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. (Philippians 4:5b-6)

That's what I've been thinking about lately. I just can't get over how blessed I am to be allowed to speak to God. Any time I want for whatever reason I want.

As I'm sure you know, the subject of prayer is a vast one that can be explored from many different angles, but I don't want to do that today. I just wanted to express and share my appreciation of the blessing we've been given in being allowed communication with our Maker.

-Kira

Mask

Are we happy plastic people?

Under shiny plastic steeples?

With walls around our weakness?

And smiles that hide our pain...

I've worn a smile that hides my pain more than I care to admit. And the walls around my weakness? Yep, been there. The mask of plastic? Worn it.

Casting Crowns' Stained Glass Masquerade does quite a good job of capturing just what it is to hide your true self behind a mask.

And I don't mean that stuff about who you really are in a Disney way. I mean it in a Christian way. Even though I had the head knowledge that I could exchange man's judgement for God's, I didn't believe it until this past summer.

"Yeah, okay, I'm being who God wants me to be. I don't worry about what other people think about me because I don't have to."

Right. That's what I told people. "It's all under control."

But that's part of the mask. It's not all under control. At any given point in time, something's not going to be perfect, but why does anyone else need to know that? I just kept it inside. As I smiled and said I was doing splendidly, my inside voice whisper-screamed, "No! I'm not okay! I can't do this any more!"

That's one I thought over and over again. "I can't do this any more!" Meaning school, friends, church, family. It's exhausting to be acting constantly. But guess who I told? No one. Because what if they judged me? What if they had it all together and I would just look bad if I told them I didn't?

It turns out, no one has it all together. And it also turns out that a lot of other people don't want to share their problems either. That's what I learned this summer. Written like that, it looks pretty depressing. But when you add the third thing I learned, it sounds a little more comforting.

Everything is better when you share your life with other people.

They can pray for you, they can hold you accountable, they can comfort you. The people around you are struggling too. And they want to help.

I refused to realize that completely until this summer. When I had to, I would give some small struggle that wasn't really the whole picture. I thought that would fool people. It didn't. When I finally opened up this summer, or, rather, took off the mask, I found out that you can't actually hide yourself from the people who love you and that it's not worth it to try.

I don't have some huge climax to this story, but I will tell you that it's made my life so much better to let other people see that I'm only human. I feel free - I'm not locked behind an image that I wanted the world to see. Now I can actually care what God thinks. And people still love me.

But if the invitation's open

to every heart that has been broken,

maybe then we close the curtain

on our stained glass masquerade.

-Kira

Reasons and Excuses

If I were so inclined, I could produce a plethora of reasons (insert: "excuses") as to why I haven't written anything in the past few (ahem, five) months.

Fortunately for you, I am not so inclined.

I will, however, state one reason (do not insert "excuse" here): I haven't had anything to write about.

I'm completely serious. The author wannabe hasn't had a single thing to write about in nearly five months now. Not counting, of course, a few e-mails and texts and things of that nature. Though I will admit I am abominably slow at replying to such things. Oh, and homework. Who could forget a lovely thing like that?

But I haven't had anything to say on here, on this blog. As you likely know, I usually write things like fiction, anecdotes from my real life, and ways that God's been working on me.

Ah, ways that God's been working on me. Such a lovely thing to ponder... Wait a minute. If I haven't had anything to say on any of those topics for almost half a year, does that mean He's just stopped? I'm no longer growing? I've finally reached that point of perfection so long sought after?

I'm not going to insult your intelligence by trying to convince you of that. No one's perfect, believe it or not, and I'm pretty sure it's a safe bet to say you believe that.

So why the drought of words? If I haven't become the epitome of all that is beautiful and pure in the world, why have I had nothing to say on the subject of anything lately? Has God given up on me? Is that it? He threw up His hands in disgust and left to work on some holier project?

Um, no.

I can tell you with 100% certainty that God hasn't given up on me. If Jesus went all the way to the point of death on the cross for me while I was still as dead as a person can get in my sin, why would He stop molding me to His image now? The thing is, He wouldn't.

So that brings me back to my original question. What happened to all the thoughts that I normally transform so eagerly into sentences to push out into the wide wide world to be read by people who aren't me and my imaginary friends?

I'll tell you what happened. It wasn't that I didn't have anything to say. Nope. Just ask my sister, I've been talking probably more than ever since the July of my last post. And we've already determined that God hasn't stopped working on me. Quite the contrary actually - He's been growing me in ways that make me beyond grateful and that I didn't see coming.

So are you ready for the answer then? The reason behind the lack of typed verbiage? There are two of them actually and here they are:

1. I didn't think any of it was good enough to say.

2. I didn't think I could do justice to what I did want to say.

Can we just take one second to laugh really hard at reason number 1? Seriously, go ahead. I have.

I'll explain that moment of laughter. If I claim to be a Bible believing, born again Christian (and I do), shouldn't I be growing in my faith every single day and not taking five month breaks? Yes, I should and yes, I have been. So if, like I've said, God has been working in me this whole time, isn't that part of my testimony or witness or whatever word you want to use? Yes, of course it is. My testimony doesn't end with salvation. That's more like the beginning. Finally, if that growth is part of my testimony, how can it possibly not be good enough to say? Am I really criticizing God on how He's been using me and growing me and telling Him it's not good enough to post on the internet? Let's take another laughing break, only this one should be in disbelief and with lots of head shaking.

But that's what I've been thinking. "Wow, I love all this growth and learning new stuff, but I don't think anyone else would want to read about it. So I'll just go read some other blog written by some interesting person." Really? First off, who cares if anyone wants to read it? My popularity (or lack thereof) in this life has absolutely nothing to do with who I am. Nothing. At all. Second, if God loves me as His daughter and is taking the care to grow me in a way that is special to me, He deserves praise and glory for that. Right? I mean really, am I right? Yes! So how dare I think that I don't have anything good enough to say! If God's working in me and through me, I should never run out of things to say, regardless of who reads them.

On to reason/excuse number 2.

I didn't think I could do justice to what I did want to say. So, yes. there were a few things that I thought I'd like to write about and post, but I didn't think I could say them well enough. I mean, I'm a teenager, still working on my writing, growing my fancy-schmancy vocabulary and learning how to make things interesting and fit together. How could I possibly say what God wants me to say in the way He wants me to say it? It simply can't be done.

I am really hoping right now that you read that last paragraph in the most sarcastic voice your brain could supply. If you didn't, please go back and try again. I'll wait.

Am I ever going to be perfect? Nope. So am I ever going to be able to perfectly show what God's doing in my life? Nope again. Well, if I can't do it perfectly, then why bother?

Turns out, I'm supposed to bother because God told me to bother. If I don't praise the Lord, the stones will. And who wants to lose in praising God to a bunch of rocks? Um, not me.

No, I can't write everything perfectly, no matter how hard I try. And I probably can't do it justice. But the point is that I try. I give my absolute best for God and quit acting like I have to be any good by my own strength before He can use me. Guess what. He can use me now. He could use this imperfect post I'm typing viciously away at however He feels like it. And who am I to stop using the words He's given me because I don't think they're good enough? No one, that's who.

So there you have it. That's why I haven't been writing. Because I'm a sinner who doesn't want to praise God for what He does for me.

Well, that's going to change. In fact, it already has. Look at this, I'm writing about what God showed me recently right this very second! I love my God and I want other people to love Him too. I want to be used by Him to show other people how great and amazing He is. I'm not going to do it perfectly, but I still want to do it. What could possibly be better than to have a testimony and a witness used by God in someone else's life? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

So maybe now you could go back to where I said not to insert "excuse" and go ahead and put it in there. Because there is no reason good enough to not give glory to God.

-Kira

My Summer Mantra

In my mind, nothing compares to the blissful peace (or, at the very least, comforting familiarity) of spending uninterrupted days at home. Enough work to occupy the morning and most of the afternoon, completed at an old desk featuring a map of Tolkien's Middle Earth. A stack of more library books than will likely be read before the due date, despite my loathing to admit the fact, on the wall of bookshelves. Two dogs overwhelmed with joy whenever I deem it within my means to give them a simple pat on the head.

As Maria from The Sound of Music put it, "These are a few of my favorite things!"

Wouldn't it be nice if that was all life consisted of? Old friends, familiar running routes, black coffee in "You Are My Sunshine" mugs. The comfortable, the worn, the familiarly frayed things that surround us at home.

Of course, anyone older than two can tell you that this fantasy is not how the world works. We can't always stay home and enjoy the archives of Doctor Who while eating vanilla ice cream covered in too many of the colorful sprinkles that delight young children. Sometimes, instead, we have to get up early in order to consume a hotel breakfast with hotel coffee before everyone else in said hotel wakes up and descends upon the breakfast room.

That said, I have been traveling for the last few weeks without much of a rest at home in between, heading from place to place to place. To place.

Don't misunderstand me - I love to travel! I love seeing new places, gaining new experiences and spicing up life with variety. However, as I have before mentioned, I do tend to have introvert inclinations and I love being at home.

Just over a week through, a thought kept trickling through my mind. Aren't vacations supposed to be restful? Any time something didn't happen just the way it should or I was getting tired and edgy yet again, that's what I would start thinking. Aren't vacations supposed to be restful?

That, of course, got me absolutely nowhere. How could it? Asking a useless question to yourself and not someone else in an overly sarcastic mental voice is not ever going to change anything one bit. Or so I have discovered.

I had halfheartedly been doing devotions every day of the first vacation (and a few days into the second), mostly wishing for home in between trying to glean something from distracted reading when God did one of those things where He completely and totally changes my perspective on something. I don't remember what I was reading. I don't remember what I was thinking. I do remember that I was sitting on a hotel bed in a blessedly empty room with my Bible app open on my kindle fire. But I wasn't dutifully and mindlessly reading. I was praying.

It wasn't one of those "please bless so-and-so and thank you for enough food and clothes" types of prayers (though there's nothing wrong with those). It was one of those "Just help me make it through this vacation! I can't take it any more! My brothers are driving me insane and I'm sick and I have a hundred things I would rather be doing at home right now!" prayers. One of those where you let everything spill out (sometimes including a few tears, as long as there's no one else in the room) and admit you can't do it by yourself.

Then a different thought came to me - one to replace the ever bitter Aren't vacations supposed to be restful? I know that the new thought wasn't from me though. I was still in my "get me out of here!" mindset. The new thought was this:

God is the same everywhere.

Just five simple words. God is the same everywhere. An indescribable mixture of peace and joy rose up from inside me at this new thought.

God is the same at home and at camp and on vacation and at work and in the Eiffel Tower and on the moon and everywhere else. Even when my morning routine includes spreading goopy sunscreen all over already half burnt, half tanned skin and when lunch is from a cooler in the back of the car and when respite is sought in a few feet of shade within earshot of someone else's little sister attempting karaoke. That became my new mantra (if you can call it that) for the rest of the vacation, helping to push aside Aren't vacations supposed to be restful?

The next week, I was away from home again. And guess what? Those five words were still true. I know, go figure. God is the same everywhere.

I pray that those five words stay with you and encourage you, whether you're in a hotel in Europe or a cabin in North Carolina or on the couch in your living room with an old book.

Believe it or not, after getting home a couple days ago, we're leaving again Saturday morning for yet another trip. I think my "mantra" from that second week will turn into my "mantra" for the summer as I continue to be away from home doing all sorts of different things and visiting all sorts of different places.

And as I climb into the car from the crisp Virginia early morning air on Saturday, I will remember.

God is the same everywhere.

-Kira

Almost Like It Was Planned That Way...

If one were to go all the way back to my very first post on this particular blog, one would come across a paragraph on why it is called how He loves us. For those of you who are too lazy to do so (or just have a life outside of the internet), I will copy it here:

Also, I was going to call this blog all for Him but the web address was already taken, so it is now how He loves us. (web address: howheluvsus.blogspot.com because "love" spelled correctly was taken too) I was going to call it all for Him because I've been thinking a lot lately about what God wants me to do with my life - both long-term and right now - and how I can glorify Him and do it "all for Him" no matter what it is I'm doing.

So, definitely not a bad thing to think about. We were all created for "good works, which God planned beforehand that we should walk in them." (Ephesians 2:10b) Our purpose in life should be to carry out God's plan for said life.

As I said before however, this blog did not end up with the title of all for Him.

When I started writing on here almost two years ago, that was what was occupying my mind a lot and what I was really thinking about. But as I grew, and my blog grew, it seems to have changed. As I look back and think about old posts and stories and pieces of my testimony, I see just how fitting the name how He loves us has turned out to be. Almost like it was planned that way.

My goal with this post is not to start a crazy and confusing predestination debate or anything, but rather to appreciate how God promises to look out for us and care for us constantly.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

I've got to admit, I really struggle with trusting God to take control of my life. I mean, I know He has control already, but I am not willing to accept that fact in every area of my walk with Him. I think that I know better and that I can do better because I can see my plans for my future. I can't see God's plans for my future and that scares me a little bit. Because what if they're different from mine? What if He doesn't want me to be a writer or have kids or go to college? What if He wants me to give up my dreams in order to follow His plan for me? His very much existent and good plan, as stated in the verse in Jeremiah.

The disciples left everything behind in order to follow Christ. They left their families, their jobs, their homes. They committed to following Him completely. They went all in. I want to be that devoted to Christ. I want to be willing to give up what I want, no matter how tremendously difficult and flat-out terrifying that is. I pray that God will help me to be able to say "I surrender all my human soul desires. If sacrifice requires that all my kingdoms fall, I surrender all." (I Surrender All, Clay Crosse)

Because He knows the plans He has for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. And He has the same for you.

This blog post took an extreme turn from the direction I planned on heading. I don't think I even said what I planned on saying, but I'm not going to change it. It just seems right. Almost like it was planned that way.

-Kira

Smelling the Roses

So, I know it's technically not the "Christmas Season" anymore but we can celebrate Jesus' birth all year, right? I had intended to post this last week (before Christmas) but it didn't happen. So I'm posting it today with the idea that it can apply to the rest of the year too. :)

The weather in Virginia has been going absolutely crazy these past couple months. One day, you'll need two pairs of socks and a huge fuzzy coat and the next, it's 60 degrees. Literally.

Despite the abnormality of the climate here, I've been taking a lot of walks lately. Now, we don't live out in the country or on the beach or anything like that. We live in a regular old neighborhood with regular old houses. There aren't huge open fields lining every street or forests surrounding single houses, isolating them from the rest of the world. Basically, it's not a city but it's not the country either. Sort of a happy medium.

Back to walking. I got an mp3 player for Christmas last year and I love listening to audio books or music while I walk and run. You know, just something to occupy my mind. I was listening to a particular song while I was out walking a couple days before Christmas and it really struck me. Unfortunately, I can't remember what song it was or even the exact lyrics. (One more reason I wanted to post this earlier - when I could remember everything I wanted to say :)

The song was about how we get all wrapped up in our busy crazy lives and don't stop to just take things in. I thought it was particularly appropriate for Christmas because of all the extra parties, shopping, and insanity that comes along with the season.

When the song came on, I was at the top of a hill. It was a regular street with regular houses. But between all the regularity, there was something spectacular. Behind the row of mundane houses was a cow pasture. In that moment, it was the most beautiful cow pasture in the world. The hills were dark with grass and tall weeds. The deep, stormy sky was dipping down to meet the rough ground. Clouds looked textured and swirled and even the simple fence around the field had an aspect of peace and rest to it.

As the singer described slowing down and appreciating what God has given us, I almost had to stop for a minute just to take it all in. I hadn't been appreciating everything. I was all caught up in worrying about school and how much I had to get done and even about Christmas.

But God didn't give us Christmas just so that we would have another thing to fuss over and twist into stressful "celebrations." If He had wanted us to get all worked up over yet another thing, He could have given us an extra mid-term or maybe a new flu shot. But He didn't. Instead, He gave us His Son.

This might sound cliche, but Jesus really was the best Christmas present ever. Too often we just pass over the story of His birth as another tradition to get through before we can open presents. The story has been told and retold so many times that we're numb to it. Unlike X-boxes, there's not a new version every year to focus our attention.

What if we stopped getting caught up in all of the little things that add up around December 25 each year? What if instead we just paused for a moment and let God fill us with His peace, love, rest? I'm not saying that the yearly Christmas party and gift exchange are bad things - I certainly don't plan on giving back the journal I got! Those can be good things. But maybe if we take the time to be filled with the peace of God not just once, but on a regular basis, this time of year would mean more.

Why stop there though? God didn't just give us Jesus for the 25 days that we get to open an advent calendar. Jesus is always there, ready for us to turn our attention to Him.

I've spent a lot of my Christmas break so far worrying about and doing school. That's not necessarily a bad thing in and of itself but I was trying to do it of my own strength and power. Guess what - it doesn't work. No matter how many hours I spent organizing and chipping away at my long list, the crossed off tasks didn't give me any joy. If anything, I couldn't wait for Christmas break to be over so that I could get even more work done.

But then God used a devotional book over and over for weeks to show me that He is there for me. I can rest in Him. He knows exactly how much I have to get done today and how He wants me to do it. Maybe the list won't get finished. Maybe it will. But it doesn't really matter. I've learned something better than why Charles Dickens wrote A Tale of Two Cities. I've learned to just take a break. Look at the beauty surrounding me and thank God for it. Let Him fill me with peace and joy and rest.  Accept those gifts and don't push them away. Stop and smell the roses.

-Kira

God's Got It

I've been thinking a lot lately. Especially about the next four or five years as I'm about to start my first year of high school and prepare for college. I've been trying to come up with all sorts of different things I can do to prepare and make lots of goals to meet and go above and beyond what my mind tells me is "average."

I want to start a business, get scholarships, and make good grades. And I've been trying to do all this by myself. I've read books, blog posts, and asked people questions. But I haven't asked God to take the wheel. Sure, I've prayed. But it's been more along the lines of asking God to make things go the way I want rather than following His plan and reaping great rewards.

About two and a half years ago, we found out that a baby that we had been taking care of since she was born would be going to live somewhere else. It was heart-breaking. I didn't understand what God could possibly be thinking. We loved her so much and took such good care of her. Why would He take her from us?

A month or so later we got a phone call. It was the grandparents of the baby girl asking if we wanted to come see her. Now we see her all the time. As I write, she's napping about five feet from me. I didn't see God's providence in letting her be taken at the time. I still don't see all the reasons, but that lesson in faith is one I'll never forget. God's been reminding me of it as I push past Him and try to make my own plans. I can't ignore it any more.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

God has proven Himself faithful to me personally before and He will do it again. I just need to have faith and believe that He will take care of my high school years. God's got complete control of my life and He knows what He's doing and can see all of the long-term consequences when I can't.

-Kira

P.S. For anyone interested, I would recommend the book The Bondage of the Will by Martin Luther. I read it for school last semester and it really opened my eyes to God's providence in everything that ever happens.

Worth It

 
In a lot of movies, TV shows, and books, the main character at one point or another starts whispering to themselves, "I'm not good enough. I'll never measure up to what I should be. I can't do anything right." These thoughts creep their way into plots over and over again and with good reason. People think those things about themselves in real life too.

Often when the character begins thinking this way, you start to watch their actions and think, "If that's not good enough then I don't know what is," because they look awfully perfect from your perspective. The character will continue to think this way for a while before either encountering a situation that convinces them otherwise or a person that gives them a really great pep talk that makes them feel like a million bucks again.

You come away from the story either super encouraged or really depressed. The reason for that is because that's not how it always works in real life. You don't start thinking about how you can't do anything and a few scenes later save the world and think you can do everything. It just doesn't happen that way.

You're not going to feel amazing at the end of every story in your life. Because it's life, not a story. Sure, you are living out your own story. I don't mean to say that you're not. What I'm trying to say is that the stories we live in aren't always perfect at the end, like those of a book character. We won't always end up feeling great about ourselves and having the praise and adulation of those around us. We're going to get hurt and it's going to hurt for real. It's not always going to leave in a day or two. Life is not always pretty.

So far this sounds like a pretty downer post, but that's not what it's meant to be. Because, while it sure feels like the characters we read about lead ideal lives, we really have better opportunities than they. We have better reason to stop thinking, "I'm not good enough." Because guess what?

If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 

Matthew 6:30 says it pretty well. If God cares so much for the flowers and grass in the field, how much more must He care about us? We were made in the image of God. Doesn't that make you feel more special already? But that's not the only reason for us to stop putting ourselves down.

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins

1 John 4:10 shows us that we are worth so much to God that He sent His own Son to die for us so that we could spend all of eternity with Him. How cool is that? I mean, how many people do you know that would send their only family member to die the most humiliating death possible just so that they could spend an eternity with someone that had wronged them again and again?

We are worth something. I mean, if even after all that we've done wrong over and over again, God still wants us to be with Him forever, we must be worth something to Him. Which is honestly about as good as it can get.

-Kira

Looking Back....

 
...and cringing. Have you ever looked back on anything that you've done (pictures, videos, writing, etc.) and just cringed? Did you wish you could delete it from the world and the minds of everyone that saw it?

Do you feel like if only you had done something better, been smart enough to not make that mistake, thought before acting, you wouldn't be cringing at yourself? Maybe if you had thought through your decisions when you were seven, or seventeen, or twenty-seven things would be different.

But it's not only things from years ago. You could look back at a paper you wrote two days ago and want to kick yourself. You could post a picture to the internet and then race to take it down a week later. You could scour the thrift shop for that shirt you got rid of yesterday and then realized you actually wanted.

So why does this happen? Why do we second guess ourselves on things we've already done? Maybe that's not you though. Maybe you don't look back and wince at pictures of you when you were younger or hide stories you've written deep in the depths of your largest binder.

I may not be speaking for all imperfect perfectionists here, but I definitely do not like looking back at things I've done. There's just so much error and imperfection. It makes me want to crawl under the covers and not come out until no one can recognize me any more.

I was wondering why I look back and don't like what I see. Why it doesn't meet my standards now when it did at that time. And while i was talking with a friend about it, I think she gave me the answer.

It's because I've grown.

I am no longer a third grader writing a story for school. I'm an eighth grader trying to complete full manuscripts. I've learned since then. I now know more grammar, spelling, vocabulary. I can do more than I could before.

My best five years ago is nothing to cringe at. It's there to show me just how much I've matured. I would have no idea how much I've learned about writing if I hadn't written that story in the third grade. I might even assume I had not got any better at all. So maybe, the stuff we see as young and naive and embarrassing can actually be a blessing in disguise. Maybe it's God showing us just how much He has been working in us over a period of time.

There's a song by Brandon Heath called I'm Not Who I Was. At one point it says:

I found us in a photograph.

I saw me, and I had to laugh,

because I'm not who I was.

He looked back and laughed. How much better must he feel about who he is now because he can see who he used to be?

I know it's fifteen days after New Year's, but I also know that while some are making goals for 2015 and planning out how they're going to make their lives better this year (something I don't agree with, by the way. But that's a different post), maybe we should take some time to look back. Maybe we should take some time to praise God for how much He has helped us grow over the last year.

I certainly know He was working in my life in 2014. Last year, I was living in a different town. My Grandpa had just died. I was struggling to juggle school, babysitting, mime, and sports. I have definitely changed this year and I know it wasn't my doing.

Honestly though, when you think about it, where would I be if God hadn't been working? Where would any of us be if we didn't have God guiding us and working our seemingly totally messed up lives to His glory? 

It's just so good to know that God's going to keep working on me and never give up. He will always be there, even when I sure don't think I'm worth it. Even when I feel like I've messed up everything I've ever done and cringe at all my work. He'll be there. I know I can count on it.

-Kira

When I Have Time...

 

"When I have time, I'll read that book that needs to be read."

"When I have time, I'll write that blog post."

"When I have time, I'll clean my room."

I have personally been guilty of saying every one of these in some form or another over and over again. I never say, "I'll go do that right now." I never hop up when I'm relaxing and decide to go write a thousand words on something I'm trying to finish. It mostly gets put off until the last minute and then I freak out and the completed work is not as good as it should be.

This is most certainly not a way to glorify God with my work and actions. He expects me to give my all and do it for His glory. I mean, isn't that one of the biggest reasons we were placed on this earth? To glorify God?

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

I need to do whatever I do to glorify God. That doesn't mean waiting until the last second. It doesn't mean rushing through it to finish and have free time. It doesn't mean giving the bare minimum in creativity on a project, making it easy.

It means taking the time to plan, work on, and complete a project with care. I'm going to stop putting things off and hurrying through them. I am instead going to take the time that I seem to think does not exist and do things well.

What's the point of finishing the book if you didn't learn anything from it?

What's the point of writing the blog post if you didn't think about it or edit it?

What's the point of cleaning your room if you're just going to stuff things in the closet to become a mess later?

What's the point of doing anything if you are not doing it to bring God glory? 

You don't have to go to a third world country as a missionary to glorify God. You can glorify Him by having a cheerful and willing heart as you babysit younger siblings. Or make dinner. Or do the laundry. Or write a paper.

I confess this has not been my attitude lately. I have complained, been angry, become frustrated, and been impatient. I can't change that on my own. I need God to help me with it. Funny how that works. We need God to help us glorify Himself. We can't do it ourselves and that is just so humbling.

I usually end up surprising myself while I'm writing blog posts, taking a totally different direction than I had at first intended. I have definitely done that today. I expected to write about how I waste time and should stop and work harder. Instead, I ended up with a post about how I can glorify God by doing just that. It's so much fun to see what you can learn just by letting your mind wander. For example, I'm not only doing wrong by a human standard when I put off that project until the day before it's due. I'm not letting my actions show that I'm a Christian when I complain about my workload. I'm not fighting the good fight when I selfishly take free time when there is work to be done.

I pray that God will help me change so that I am glorifying Him through every word I say and deed I do. I will fall, blunder, and backslide. I am not perfect. That just goes to show that He must love us an awful lot to keep being there for us even as we make mistakes over and over again.

-Kira

Conceal, Don't Feel

If you have ever heard the song from Frozen called "For the First Time in Forever" you might remember Elsa's words in the moments before she is to be crowned Queen of Arendelle.

Don't let them in

Don't let them see

Be the good girl

You always have to be

Conceal

Don't feel

Put on a show...

After I watched that movie for the first time, I honestly sang those words to myself over and over again - whenever something was wrong. I figured nobody wanted to hear my problems and I didn't want to sound like I was complaining or end up boring people to death. But most of all, I didn't want anyone to think I had any difficulties with life at all.

I recently went to a middle school retreat where the first Bible talk was exactly what I needed to hear. The theme that night was "Life as a Christian is hard." The speaker first made this fact very clear, then went on to say that we often want our lives to look perfect to people outside of our immediate family or we want to make Christianity look appealing to nonbelievers and so we hide our problems. I realized this is me. Next, the pastor told us that it's okay to admit we have problems and to talk about them with someone you trust. He repeated this note and assured us that it was in fact a good thing to do. That's why God gave us friends. To share burdens - to be there for each other.

This hit me. Hard.

I had been hiding my problems for so long, trying to look good and be perfect to almost everyone I knew. It was wearing me down. I was on edge. I kept telling my sister that I had no one to talk to, when, really, I could have talked to her or plenty of other people. I was hiding it. Concealing. Not feeling. I made an actual effort to force my negative emotions down inside of me until they couldn't show through any more to anyone outside my family.

Last November, my Grandpa died. It wasn't easy on anyone. He died only a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, without any of us knowing whether or not he was a Christian. For months, I cried and scolded myself for this. I had had the perfect opportunity to testify for Jesus a few months before he died. And I hadn't. I didn't do it because I was scared. I didn't want to be laughed at. I wanted to look perfect in a human's eyes. So I continued to lose sleep over this until August. November to August I worried and prayed for him to be in heaven, but I was never sure he was. I never had any peace about it.

But at camp, in August, there was someone to talk to. I told her everything, tears pouring from my eyes. I hadn't spoken about my Grandpa's death to anyone since November. I had tried to avoid the subject entirely and got upset with my siblings when they talked about it. But, now, I was able to dump it all out. I drained those tears. I felt so much better. The lady I talked to pointed me to John 3:16, which may seem like a familiar verse and not really comforting, but it was.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

Next, she told me to replace some of the words with my own name. Now it read:

For God so loved Kira that He gave His only begotten Son, that if Kira believes in Him she should not perish but have everlasting life.

That changed it a lot for me. It gave this often used verse a new meaning and it comforted me. Why? Because if God loved me enough to send His only Son to die for me, then He must have loved my Grandpa enough to die for him, too. And while I don't know where my Grandpa is right now, I know that God gave him a choice too. God used who He wanted to use in my Grandpa's life. And even if I didn't outright say it, I hope that I lived for Jesus enough to make a difference for my Grandpa. I hope that he saw Christ through my actions - even if I wasn't always perfect.

All that to say, after I talked about my Grandpa's death for the first time in almost nine months, I felt much better. It was so much easier after I told someone what I was feeling. Now I feel much more at peace about it. It was doing me no good to try to "Conceal, Don't feel." It was only hurting me.

Now that I know that, hopefully it won't be so hard to show people that I live a broken life in a broken world, just like everybody else. Hopefully it won't be so hard to admit that I'm a sinner and that things hurt. It's not easy to be a Christian. But sharing makes it easier.

-Kira

Is It True?

My sister and I are off to camp today! We are going to an amazing Bible Camp for a really great week of fun, Bible studies, and memory verses. It's called (drum-roll, please) . . . Bethel Bible Camp!

At this camp, there are some pretty awesome things to do including (but not limited to): archery, waterslide, creek, cookout, soccer!, and much more. So all that is amazing stuff that I love doing and that's part of the reason I love this camp so much. Another wonderful aspect is the girls there. There are so many beautiful, lovely girls there, worshiping God and laughing together. By the time you read this, we will probably already be there.

But the best part is probably the Bible studies. Every morning and evening there is an hour or so of listening to some great seminar-like sessions. I, personally, have learned so much from these and I've only been going to Bethel for two years. Take for example last year's sessions. They were all about "Christianity on Trial: what does the Bible teach and is it true?" Here are some of my notes on the first session:

• Is what the Bible says really true?
• Does truth exist?
• My life depends on whether the Bible is true or not.
• "Belief in something doesn't make it true; only truth makes it true." -Os Guinness

Truth By Nature Is:

1. non-contradictory
2. absolute
3. discovered
4. discriptive
5. inescapable
6. unchanging

• Truth has to fit reality and make sense.
• Truth does not go away just because you don't believe it.
• Truth that is "Truth Within" is non-existent, unless I put God's truth inside of me.
• Truth cannot be a personal thing. It's the same for everyone.
• "We see the world not as it is, but as we are." - Stephen Covey
• Truth that matches reality is true for me and you whether you like it or not.

So that was the first session. What conclusion did I come to at the end of the week? Is the Bible true? Does it fit these criteria?  My answer:

• I'm not alone. God's here.
• God is real and He cares about me.
• God provides. 

That's what I found. What will you find? Is the Bible true? I believe that it is. Is God real? I believe that He is. Does my salvation depend on Him? I believe that it does. And I know I need to believe it to be saved.

-Kira

Beautiful

So, we went to Claytor Lake this week, since it's summer and we don't have as much schoolwork to do. It is a beautiful place. It is a man-made lake, but the trees, mountains, and water are not man-made and the love that God pours into us really shines through in this gorgeous place. If you ever get the chance to see it, do.

It was a lovely day. There were ripples in the glassy surface of the lake, the grass danced in the wind, and raspberries gleamed on their vines, begging to be picked. We complied, eating berry after berry, enjoying each thoroughly. We spent a few hours at the beach, playing in the water and I managed to get myself a sunburn, that still stings a few days later. Nice, right?

Anyway, here are some of the pictures that attempt to show how gorgeous it was in a small and modest way.

-Kira