Reasons and Excuses

If I were so inclined, I could produce a plethora of reasons (insert: "excuses") as to why I haven't written anything in the past few (ahem, five) months.

Fortunately for you, I am not so inclined.

I will, however, state one reason (do not insert "excuse" here): I haven't had anything to write about.

I'm completely serious. The author wannabe hasn't had a single thing to write about in nearly five months now. Not counting, of course, a few e-mails and texts and things of that nature. Though I will admit I am abominably slow at replying to such things. Oh, and homework. Who could forget a lovely thing like that?

But I haven't had anything to say on here, on this blog. As you likely know, I usually write things like fiction, anecdotes from my real life, and ways that God's been working on me.

Ah, ways that God's been working on me. Such a lovely thing to ponder... Wait a minute. If I haven't had anything to say on any of those topics for almost half a year, does that mean He's just stopped? I'm no longer growing? I've finally reached that point of perfection so long sought after?

I'm not going to insult your intelligence by trying to convince you of that. No one's perfect, believe it or not, and I'm pretty sure it's a safe bet to say you believe that.

So why the drought of words? If I haven't become the epitome of all that is beautiful and pure in the world, why have I had nothing to say on the subject of anything lately? Has God given up on me? Is that it? He threw up His hands in disgust and left to work on some holier project?

Um, no.

I can tell you with 100% certainty that God hasn't given up on me. If Jesus went all the way to the point of death on the cross for me while I was still as dead as a person can get in my sin, why would He stop molding me to His image now? The thing is, He wouldn't.

So that brings me back to my original question. What happened to all the thoughts that I normally transform so eagerly into sentences to push out into the wide wide world to be read by people who aren't me and my imaginary friends?

I'll tell you what happened. It wasn't that I didn't have anything to say. Nope. Just ask my sister, I've been talking probably more than ever since the July of my last post. And we've already determined that God hasn't stopped working on me. Quite the contrary actually - He's been growing me in ways that make me beyond grateful and that I didn't see coming.

So are you ready for the answer then? The reason behind the lack of typed verbiage? There are two of them actually and here they are:

1. I didn't think any of it was good enough to say.

2. I didn't think I could do justice to what I did want to say.

Can we just take one second to laugh really hard at reason number 1? Seriously, go ahead. I have.

I'll explain that moment of laughter. If I claim to be a Bible believing, born again Christian (and I do), shouldn't I be growing in my faith every single day and not taking five month breaks? Yes, I should and yes, I have been. So if, like I've said, God has been working in me this whole time, isn't that part of my testimony or witness or whatever word you want to use? Yes, of course it is. My testimony doesn't end with salvation. That's more like the beginning. Finally, if that growth is part of my testimony, how can it possibly not be good enough to say? Am I really criticizing God on how He's been using me and growing me and telling Him it's not good enough to post on the internet? Let's take another laughing break, only this one should be in disbelief and with lots of head shaking.

But that's what I've been thinking. "Wow, I love all this growth and learning new stuff, but I don't think anyone else would want to read about it. So I'll just go read some other blog written by some interesting person." Really? First off, who cares if anyone wants to read it? My popularity (or lack thereof) in this life has absolutely nothing to do with who I am. Nothing. At all. Second, if God loves me as His daughter and is taking the care to grow me in a way that is special to me, He deserves praise and glory for that. Right? I mean really, am I right? Yes! So how dare I think that I don't have anything good enough to say! If God's working in me and through me, I should never run out of things to say, regardless of who reads them.

On to reason/excuse number 2.

I didn't think I could do justice to what I did want to say. So, yes. there were a few things that I thought I'd like to write about and post, but I didn't think I could say them well enough. I mean, I'm a teenager, still working on my writing, growing my fancy-schmancy vocabulary and learning how to make things interesting and fit together. How could I possibly say what God wants me to say in the way He wants me to say it? It simply can't be done.

I am really hoping right now that you read that last paragraph in the most sarcastic voice your brain could supply. If you didn't, please go back and try again. I'll wait.

Am I ever going to be perfect? Nope. So am I ever going to be able to perfectly show what God's doing in my life? Nope again. Well, if I can't do it perfectly, then why bother?

Turns out, I'm supposed to bother because God told me to bother. If I don't praise the Lord, the stones will. And who wants to lose in praising God to a bunch of rocks? Um, not me.

No, I can't write everything perfectly, no matter how hard I try. And I probably can't do it justice. But the point is that I try. I give my absolute best for God and quit acting like I have to be any good by my own strength before He can use me. Guess what. He can use me now. He could use this imperfect post I'm typing viciously away at however He feels like it. And who am I to stop using the words He's given me because I don't think they're good enough? No one, that's who.

So there you have it. That's why I haven't been writing. Because I'm a sinner who doesn't want to praise God for what He does for me.

Well, that's going to change. In fact, it already has. Look at this, I'm writing about what God showed me recently right this very second! I love my God and I want other people to love Him too. I want to be used by Him to show other people how great and amazing He is. I'm not going to do it perfectly, but I still want to do it. What could possibly be better than to have a testimony and a witness used by God in someone else's life? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

So maybe now you could go back to where I said not to insert "excuse" and go ahead and put it in there. Because there is no reason good enough to not give glory to God.

-Kira